How easy it is not to question your relationship as the answers might not be the ones you want to hear making the decision to try and change the status quo even harder.
Neither of us is willing to give up on the relationship but I will say, one of us is so angry at the other that they would actually question saving the other from, let’s say, a wolf attack or a cow stampede.
Anyway, I know I’m not alone when I say that after 30 years of marriage there are things that happen, sometimes over and over again that can be overlooked and swallowed but then there are the things that will eat you up alive until you decide that you don’t want to play the same game anymore, that the script needs a rewrite.
As my husband and I start this new year, we look forward to meeting with a mediator, a marriage counselor, a go-between. What ever you want to call it we need someone to cry “foul” when we engage in unfair accusations and blame. Someone to help us both see that we enable each other during this dance of destruction as we follow the same routine over and over again.
I don’t think I have the strength to do what I want with the rest of my life and continue this relationship of emotional exhaustion and resentment at the same time.
My discontent and anger gnaws at me, making me not as nice a person as I should be. Being disrespectful in our distance and lack of real conversation, I sit and wonder if it’s me or he that’s the more screwed up partner. I have come to the conclusion that we both need a tune-up and a mechanic that can handle the job.