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Book review: ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’

From that day forward, young Lincoln vows to kill every vampire in America. He trains himself to fight and reads every book he can find on the occult (the true beginning of his lifelong self-education). During his first real fight against a vampire years later, however, he nearly dies. Only the intervention of a vampire named Henry Sturges saves his life.

Henry, it turns out, becomes a friend and mentor to young Abe. He teaches Abe how to really fight and kill vampires and then, for many years afterward, writes Abe and sends him the names of vampires that he can kill. Since Abe wants to kill every vampire, he happily obliges.

Through the years, the reader watches Abe grow up, move to New Salem then Springfield, become a lawyer and politician, get married and have children. He loses his first love Ann Rutledge (to vampires, naturally), he breaks off his engagement to Mary Todd because her father is in league with vampires, and then loses his third son Willie Lincoln, again, to vampires.

It turns out, the crux of the vampire story is political – and this is where the story turns from amusingly interesting to downright ridiculous. There are “good” vampires and “bad” vampires. The bad vampires feed maliciously on slaves – because no one will miss a slave – and have formed an allegiance with the southern slave power in order to perpetuate the institution of slavery.

The southern vampires, in fact, more or less become responsible for the Civil War. Lincoln, in turn, gets hand-picked by the good vampires to run for president, which he does, not out of any real interest in politics, or democracy, or humanity, but rather to destroy slavery solely because it will hurt vampires.

Everyone knows how Lincoln’s story ends, of course, and, unsurprisingly, John Wilkes Booth turns out to be, what else, but a vampire.

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