As I’m now 57, I think it’s time to leave behind everything I think my Mom and Dad “did” to me. The self-pity and blaming others for who I am, reached its expiration date long ago, but somehow expired recently as I try to see myself for myself.
I hate to say it, but I never would have been able to own even this much of myself if my much-missed Mom hadn’t died. I am attempting to live in the moment, and by doing so have had an unusual glimpse into the “maybe I’m not as screwed up as I think I am” area of my brain — usually kept so deep and snug in my subconscious.
Maybe I’m a true do-gooder, a better parent than I dare to let myself think I was. Maybe the “What are you, a moron?” of my childhood doesn’t mean anything anymore, as I am starting to believe in myself. Maybe everything I do or create doesn’t include the thought of, it could have been better.
Or could it be that I’m just entering the third world of my life, (the elder world). I’m thinking it quite lovely so far, too, as I manage to delve into new-found personal truths and, in turn, free little bits of my soul. Through the realization and acceptance of my past mistakes, I allow myself this great gift of freedom — and I’m starting to let go some of my self-flagellation. I’ve entered a freeing stage as the kids leave home and it’s back to being the two of you ... ouch!
We’re at a point when no one needs to borrow the car, the drama of a first boy or girlfriend is past, there are no diapers or playdates and no after school sports.
Yikes, it’s just me, myself and I (and him) again and the question looms: who am I, and what’s in store for this next adventure? As I complain about my husband and vent through my friends, I’m so lucky to have married the true love of my life, my best friend through thick and thin, a pain in the you-know-what sometimes but who am I to speak, I know I’m no picnic to live with. At least I’ve always managed to keep things interesting ... for 30 years this year!