I always wonder, though, if I have an ulterior motive, my subconscious imposing guilt even as I try to give back. I guess it’s not just about how much you give or do, it’s really a question of self and how accepting you are of your true, naked being.
I wonder if I felt the need to promote myself as I tried to fit in when we moved here? It’s been almost six years now, and I don’t remember.
I haven’t had any reason to be anyone other than my present self since we got here and in the process became more accepting of who I think I am.
I have done fabulous things in my life so far, and will be the first to tell you about my experiences, but do I use my past to make myself seem more important than I actually am? I am not that NYC big-business advertising person anymore, nor am I one of the “Hamptons” material-lifers whose pleasure in life is to have more than their neighbor.
I use every bit of strength my Multiple Sclerosis allows me, for the fear of not being able to do much physically one of these days. That fear being the tiger that’s after my tail. Funny how you come across those challenges in your life that you seem to have little control over. I’ll be happy to talk to anyone that has allowed bad news to cripple them.
I think there is always a time to let go of your grief and begin to flourish again. Grieve I did when I was diagnosed in 1993 as I thought my MS a certain death sentence. Grief cripples all of us at one time or another but if we allow ourselves to move on and find some good through the horror we all come out better for it in the long run.